Humpday Hilarities

I have a couple for y’all today. This first one is courtesy of Cookie. Not only funny, but word to the wise as well.

Gun Wisdom

Some words to the wise. Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside your arm’s length.

E; Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win — cheat if necessary but win.

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it ’cause it’ll be empty.

I; If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you’re not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you’re not loading, you should be movin.
3. If you’re not movin’, you’re dead.

J; In a life and death situation, don’t just stand there. Do something … It may be wrong, but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

This next one has been shared with me by several people on Facebook:

A son decided his mother could not live alone anymore, she was just too senile. So he decided to take her to all the homes in the district to decide which one she liked the most.

The first one was a pleasant surprise. Lovely gardens, lots of oldsters chatting happily. The owner offered to take the son on a tour around the premises, so he sat his mom in the middle of a big sofa, and went off for the tour.

The attendant noticed the old lady was slumping, tilting to her right. She promptly straightened the old lady up, padded her right side, and called the nurse. About 5 minutes later, the old lady, with a fixed look on her face, started tilting to her left. The nurse straightened her up, add padded her with more cushions, wondering if she should call the doctor.

A few minutes later, the old lady started to slump forwards, and again, the routine of straightening her up and padding with cushions.

The son arrived at that moment:

“Mom, this place is a paradise. Lovely staff, game rooms, good food, big garden, nice inmates! You’ll love it!”

His mother retorted, “Love it my arse. It’s a bloody prison camp. They won’t even let me fart … “

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,”You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

George replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife Thelma won twice last week!”

Catholic Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

“Mr. Policeman,” said the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I’m living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

“B-5 … I-19 … N-38 … G-54 … O-72″

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have four questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the f*ck happened to Walter?”

This funny is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

And this one I got from The Mary Sue. It’s not so much funny, more like very cool.

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry y’all, I’m a day late. I’d like to say it was a blackout in protest of SOPA/PIPA, but the truth is I have still been sick and went to see the doctor, got some stronger meds, and spent most of the day in bed. It turns out I have a sinus and ear infection, which is why I couldn’t get over the gunk. But I’m feeling MUCH better today!

I have a couple funnies to share, the first being from I Has a Hotdog:

And this one is apparently a preview for Volkswagen’s upcoming Superbowl ad:

Humpday Hilarities

Funnies are back! My apologies for the unannounced hiatus, the holidays snuck up on me and I have been sick for the past 3-4 weeks. I needed the time off!

But, we’re back and have plenty for this week! So without further ado, let’s start off with these from Cookie:

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Vern. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?” “No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop,” the homeless man replied.

“You were once a cop?” “Yes,” the homeless man replied. “On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day.”

“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?” “No, I don’t waste time with sugary foods,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can.”

“Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?” “Are you nuts?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force.”

“Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?” “What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores.” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the retired cop, “I’m not going to give you the money now. Instead, I’m going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man.” The retired cop replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex.”

And even though the holidays are passed, I still thought this was worth sharing!

Both Don and Cookie sent me that one, as well as several people on Facebook. I love Aunt Chippy!

Last and certainly not least we got this one from Don:

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she smiled. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler’s and I voted for Obama.”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Facebook via George Takei and many others:

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

Poor little guy, I know JUST how he feels! LOL

This funny is courtesy of Geekologie:

And last but not least, another gem from George Takei, this time on the subject of Star Wars vs Star Trek:

A date which will live in infamy

I always think of my grandfather when this anniversary comes around. He enlisted in the United States Air Force shortly after the Pearl Harbor attacks. My mother still wears his wings pinned on her coat. Gramps never talked about his time spent serving our country, but did instill in me a great respect and admiration for our nation’s military. He’s been gone just over 15 years now, but I still think of him often. I pray for those with whom he served and their loved ones, and wonder — how many are left today? According to this article by Reuters, there are about 2,700 Pearl Harbor veterans still among us today.

And that number shrinks dramatically every year.

I never got the chance to thank my grandfather for his service. But if you have someone in your life who is serving or has served, or even just someone you see in passing, thank them for me.

A few recommended reads:

• National Geographic: Remembering Pearl Harbor
• BlackFive: Remember Pearl Harbor Dec 7 1941
• Hooah Wife & Friends: Pearl Harbor: 70 Years
• Michelle Malkin: Remembering Pearl Harbor: 70 years
• The Birmingham News: Pearl Harbor important then and now
• MSNBC/Reuters: Pearl Harbor veteran recalls bewilderment of attack

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s edition is courtesy of Simon’s Cat:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of one of my favorite Cheezburger Network sites: Monday Through Friday (work fails & job LOLs).

My install of Office didn’t come with this guy. Wonder if I need to upgrade?

I’m sure they’ll post an updated sign once this mystery is solved:

A little Star Trek and Microsoft humor … how many times has this happened to you?

Ah, I love honesty in a business!

And last but not least, if the internet was a gun:

I think that pretty well sums it up!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one I’ve seen on both I Has a Hotdog and Facebook:

And next is this one from Tumblr:

And last but not least, this awesome bit is courtesy of one of my Aion legionmates:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one from Don:

Here’s another way to look at the Debt Ceiling:

Let’s say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood…and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.
What do you think you should do … raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming Nov. 2012

These next couple are courtesy of Cookie:

A room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She looked at the men in the room, “Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Mac at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes,” said the Instructor.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

Best Comeback Line Ever?

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 12.01 a.m. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around,” he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.

“Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.” Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

“I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’ He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said,

“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”

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