Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

You can’t fix stupid

My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Nope, you can’t fix stupid.

My wife asked me, “How many women have you slept with?”

I proudly replied, “Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake.”

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

A preacher said, “Anyone with ’special needs’? Who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Marvin got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Marvin, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Marvin replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Marvin’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Marvin’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Marvin, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Marvin, how is your hearing now?”

Marvin answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

And here’s one of those moments when nature gets a little too “natural”:

Humpday Hilarities

My apologies for the lack of funnies last week. I was out of town dealing with a family matter and had little internet access.

Today’s edition starts off with this one courtesy of Steve:

Three women who had been traveling together were in an accident, and died. They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked at them and said, “welcome to Heaven. You may go anywhere you like in Heaven and do whatever you want to do. However, no matter where you go, whatever you do, do NOT step on the ducks!”

Now this was going to be a problem, because there were ducks everywhere!

The three women were very careful where they stepped as they walked about Heaven. Then after about a month, the inevitable occurred and one of them stepped on a duck.

Immediately Saint Peter showed up, and with him was the ugliest man any of them had ever seen. “Because you stepped on a duck, you are to be chained to the ugliest man in all of Heaven for all eternity”. He slapped one end of the chain on the man’s wrist, and the other end on the wrist of the woman who had stepped on a duck.

The other two women were especially careful now. They didn’t want to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity. A good deal of time passed by, and one day the second woman stepped on a duck. Saint Peter arrived on the scene immediately, with a man in tow who was almost as ugly as the first. He gave the woman the same stern lecture, and she was chained to the ugliest man in Heaven for all eternity.

The third woman was determined that she was not going to suffer such a fate, so she was extremely careful everywhere she went. Then, one day, Saint Peter showed up with the most handsome man the woman had ever seen. This man was every woman’s ideal of what a handsome man should look like.

Saint Peter slapped the chain on the man’s wrist, and slapped the other end of the chain on the woman’s wrist and then went on his way.

The woman looked at the handsome man, smiled, batted her eyelashes and said, “I certainly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this!”

The man replied, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck”!

This one I may have shared before, but it’s an oldie but goodie:

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And last but not least, this gem is from Jerri:

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways (& IN THE SNOW—even if they grew up in the deep South!) … yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOD!!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

Also, we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 30 Crowd

How many of you are reading this while smiling and nodding?

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of Cookie:

THE GOLFING NUN

A nun walks into Mother Superior”s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted …and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether it was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

“You missed the f#$%ing putt, didn’t you?”

The Difference Between A Marine Officer And A Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny)

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn’t impaired he remained in the Marine Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

The young officer answered, “Why, yes, Sir, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.”

The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

He replied sheepishly, “Well, Sir, you have no ears.”

The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman and Staff NCO Gunnery Sergeant (Gunny). He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”

To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses.”

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn’t mention my ears. “And how do you know that I wear contacts?” the General asked.

“Well, Sir,” the gunny replied, “It’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no f#$%in’ ears.”

60 Days …

Are you ready, Tide fans?

ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Happy 4th of July

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday weekend. As we travel and celebrate this holiday weekend, let us not forget those who selflessly sacrificed so that we could live free. In a speech he gave last year, President Obama encouraged us to “remember how unlikely it was that our American experiment would succeed at all; that a small band of patriots would declare independence from a powerful empire; and that they would form, in the new world, what the old world had never known — a government of, by, and for the people.”

You know, as much as it pains me to agree with the man (nyerk!), he’s right. It’s that same indomitable spirit that the first American patriots had that I look for and am proud to see today. In my opinion, this is the best country to be living in today, and I am damned proud to call America my home and Americans my people. I’m thankful for all of you.

To those who care about liberty and our beautiful country and volunteer to serve, and accept the risks that accompany, thank you. To those who have served, and to those who have paid the ultimate price to protect the freedoms that me and my family enjoy, thank you. To those left behind by the ones who serve, the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, sons, daughters, … I admire your strength, thank you.

“Thank you” doesn’t seem like much, but what I have is yours — my thanks, my support, my celebration, my love. Let us all be thankful and rejoice. As John Adams wrote to his wife Abigail, “It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.”

I hope everyone has a great holiday. Have fun, stay safe, be well. You’ll hear from me again soon, but in the mean time …

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my pal Cookie:

I love GEICO’s commercials, and besides, who doesn’t love Gunny? I know I do.

Fears

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have irrational fears. Most people I know are afraid of “normal” things … you know, snakes, spiders, clowns, zombies, etc. Me? I get hung up over the intangible, or improbable. Ever since starting this job, one of those irrational fears has become heightened — being trapped in a free-falling elevator. Remember the first Resident Evil movie? Yeah, I always turn my head during that scene.

If I think about it logically, I know that the odds of one of the elevators at work experiencing a major harm-causing malfunction while I happen to be in it are astronomically low. In addition to that, all of the elevators have safety measures in place in the case of an emergency, such as power outage, cable or brake failure, etc. But the thought creeps into my mind every single time I step foot into one of those things.

Once I made the mistake of sharing this with one of my coworkers. Funny enough, she won’t ride in the elevator with me anymore.

So today I had overslept and didn’t have time to make my lunch, forcing me to head down to the mall to grab something from the food court. I boarded one of the elevators just like I do every day — this one happened to be one of the glass elevators (which I hate even more than the others). About halfway down, there was a loud “SNAP!”. The lights went out and the elevator screeched to a halt. “No big deal,” I kept telling myself. They’ve stopped before and would sometimes get “stuck”, sitting on certain floors, so you’d just have to get off and board another one.

But then it dropped. DROPPED! It wasn’t but just a few feet, but it was enough to make my heart skip a beat and suddenly every elevator nightmare I’d had came flooding back in an instant and I panicked.

OK, ‘panicked’ doesn’t even cover it — I. Flipped. My. Shit.

Sitting quietly for a second, my mind raced looking for answers:

“What should I do if I can’t get the doors open?”

“Where is the button I press to let someone know I’m trapped?”

“What do I do if it drops again?” Followed immediately by “No, don’t think like that, stupid!”

As if the elevator had read my mind, it dropped again for a few more feet, then opened its doors. Apparently the elevator had only dropped just enough to reach the next level so the doors could open (seeing out the window made it seem worse than it really was). I quickly leapt out of that thing as if my life depended on it. (which, in my panicked state of mind, it did!) I paced for the next minute, trying to calm myself and stop shaking — and trying to squelch the horrific scenarios playing out in my head.

About a minute later, I heard the power flicker back on, once again illuminating the car, and could hear the other cars moving along the levels above and below me. I could also see the other glass elevators moving along just fine … but I didn’t trust the motorized metallic bastard just yet. I decided it was safer to walk the next 9 stories down to the mall level, and kept a close eye on them as I ate my lunch.

Feeling a bit braver after I ate, I took the elevator back up to my floor. Thankfully the ride was uneventful this time, but I’m sure this will make for some more intense nightmares to come.

OK, new item added to the “someday job wishlist” — no elevators!

Where’s June?

Wow … it’s the end of June already. Almost July. Where has my time gone?

I’ve had lots happen over the past few months, but honestly can sum everything up in a few short sentences: things are mostly better.

Both Jim and I have been recommended to attend separate counseling, which we plan to once we’re financially able. (apparently our insurance only pays for so many sessions, then the rest WE are responsible for) Jim’s still looking for a job, but we are getting by.

Jessie is transforming more and more into a young lady every day, everyone we know has commented on how much she’s grown and how much older she looks already. You can’t help but notice that she acts older … she looks and talks like any typical teenage girl. As a mother, I couldn’t be prouder. But there’s something I’ve noticed this summer … I’ve noticed HER being noticed. Mostly by boys around her age — and a few older (who earn a VERY sharp warning look from me when I catch them! ).

I told Jim that we should start stockpiling ammunition. We’re going to need it.

Work has gotten busier. Every time I think that it couldn’t possibly get any more hectic, it does. But that’s good I suppose. Every time I take a day off, I come back to what looks like the aftermath of a tornado, or perhaps a hurricane.

It’s nice to know I’m missed.

Things are busy, but overall better than they have been. I’m thankful — I have a job, a loving family, and am blessed with wonderful friends. All that’s missing is a new house and some new big black combat boots.

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies are courtesy of my pal Cookie:

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’ The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.’ The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

That, folks, pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison … “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies come courtesy of my mother:

Q. Who was the most “flexible” man in the Bible?
A. Jacob…..It says he “tied his ass to a tree and then walked for three miles”

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless … of course!

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q. Did you know it’s a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. Yup, it’s in the Bible. It says, ‘He-brews’

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